Sex Sells...Sometimes Read online

Interfered with business management said.

  “I got mine,” she said.

  “Listen,” I said.

  We could hear the thing smashing through the hallway, grunting, growling and howling as it went along.

  Looking for us.

  Bobbie took out her cell phone.

  “Oh! No!”

  “What?” I said.

  “I forgot to charge it! It’s dead!”

  “And so are we,” I said.

  “Wait! I’ve got the gun!” she said. “I’ll shoot it!”

  “But he…it’s a werewolf,” I said. “Only silver bullets can kill them. And I’m guessing wildly but I ‘m sure yours aren’t.”

  “Oh, you’re right,” she said.

  “But wait,” I said, looking around the room. “Up there!”

  On the wall was a plaque the guy Sol, who owned the joint, got for winning some pool tournament.

  A silver plaque!

  I pulled it off the wall. “We can use this.”

  “Good idea”’ Bobbie said.

  “But how?” I said.

  “I know!” she said. “You hold it over his heart and I’ll shoot right through it. Some of the silver will past through with the bullet.”

  I shook my head. “Oh, I can see how that’ll work out alright. ‘Uh, excuse me Mr. Werewolf, but would you please be a nice mutt and stand still for a sec so I can hold this silver plaque over your heart and my friend here with the gun can shoot a bullet through it and kill you.’ HELLO! I DON’T THINK SO!

  “Got any better ideas?”

  Truth was, there were none. We were trapped like a pair of Twinkies at an Over Eaters Anonymous meeting, and about to take our last breath. And really when you think about it, never go shopping again.

  Never go shopping again!

  That was too much!

  The plaque had a chain attached to it. I had an idea. An insane one. But…

  “Look, he wants to eat us like we’re prime fillet,” I said.

  “Eww,” Bobbie said. “Gross. Do you have to put it like that?”

  “This is no time to get grossed out!” I said. “We’re going to be wolf chow in a couple of minutes!”

  “Ok,” she said. “What?”

  “He’s got the hots for you. So when he breaks in here I’ll throw this plaque over his head and when I do you shoot it, him. Ok?”

  She thought about it.

  “Ok, I guess so.”

  “You guess so? Then give me a better idea!”

  “Ok,” she said.

  And none too soon had we decided as the monster was banging on our door. It wouldn’t take long to…

  The door came crashing down before us.

  We were face to furry face with it.

  “Good gosh, he is one ugly mother---“ Bobbie was saying when something took over in me. Call it survival instinct or whatever you like, but I suddenly found myself raising the hand with the silver plaque and saying to our hairy friend…

  “Ok, wolfy boy, look what I’ve got for you. See, how nice and shiny it is. You like it don’t you?”

  I twisted it back and forth like a pendulum. He kind of growled and let loose a gob of disgusting white saliva from his mouth and a blow of rancid breath that nearly made me keel over.

  “Eewww!” Bobbie said.

  “Quiet,” I told her. “It seems to be working. Yeah, you don’t want to hurt us sweet little girls, now do you? No, you don’t.”

  He looked at me with piercing yellow eyes. The kind you might see on an axe murder flying on meth. But my words stopped him in his tracks.

  “Ok, here let me put this on you, like a good doggie,” I said in my sexiest 1-900 voice, lifting the plaque and putting it over his neck, my body and hands shaking so much I thought my false eyelashes would fall off.

  I’d just gotten it over his neck, with those fury-filled amber eyeballs glaring at me, when one hairy hand shot up and grabbed hold of my throat. Now I don’t mind being a little bit kinky, but being choked to death by a werewolf just isn’t my style.

  I looked over at Bobbie. She was holding up the gun, pointing it at him.

  “Any…time…now…” I managed to eke out between breaths, and seeing back into my childhood as the oxygen was being squeezed off from my brain.

  She fired.

  And missed.

  My eyeballs began to pop out. In the distance I saw my long gone grandmother waving to me.

  “Again…” I gasped.

  She did. And missed again. Guns just weren’t her thing, I suppose.

  I don’t know how I looked but I felt like a blowfish about to burst. So unfeminine!

  Then Bobbie screamed, “It’s me you want! Not her!”

  So, not a run in a stocking too soon, wolfie wolf let go of me and started towards her.

  Gasping, I fell to the floor, my eyes so watery there went my ten dollar a shot mascara. And I saw Bobbie close her eyes and fire again.

  Figures, this time with her eyes shut she hit the target. Strange girl, I swear. But the beastie boy staggered back, rolled its yellow eyes around in its hairy head, gave off a horrid growl, then toppled face first to the first.

  Bobbie still had her eyes closed and I had to pry the gun from her hand.

  “You got him,” I said.

  Neither one of us could believe what had just happened. We didn’t speak a word to each other after that. Like what could we say anyway, ‘Gee, wasn’t that fun!’ We gathered up our stuff, left the place, and drove away in my car

  We never went back.

  I talk to Bobbie every now and then. She’s with the Salvation Army now. Oh, and she owns lots of guns and never goes out on a full moon night.

  Like I say, you never know who’s going to walk through the door. It could be a harmless bunny rabbit, or the Big Bad Wolf.

  Me. Well, after I get out of this bubble bath I’ll go back on the computer and look for another job. I’ve thought about becoming a sky diving instructor. It has to be safer that running a massage parlor.

  Don't 'ya think?

  FINI